Don’t let Curiosity Kill the Kid in You
When I was five, I had an imaginary friend. By the time I was ten, I played “mommy” during a never-ending game of house with my best friends. Thirteen came and I wanted a job like my mom and dad—money, money, money was all I heard. Sixteen saw society too soon. It was the world I thought I had to live in and wanted nothing to do with. I was so busy waiting for the adult life that I thought people were supposed to live for. I craved more maturity, respect, adult friends at steak fries and coffee shop talks over Saturday shenanigans and sleeping in until 2:00 pm. I thought I had to fix and cater to everyone else, I had no clue how to be at peace with my own mind. I wanted to make things better for everyone and never called myself by my own name. Curiosity killed the kid in me. I got to the point of being so mad at the norms of society and negative depths of the world that I began hating every part of life I was living in. I was never content; however, it wasn’t in the healthiest ways. Instead of craving and reaching a new goal, I craved the “next big step.” I eventually no longer even wanted the adult life that I thought would finally show me the result of who I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to do. Everything was happening at a much more serious level for me. I began to live to reach my death.
To me, every person is a book and every book has a story. I was so busy trying to invest in the book of the universe—understanding the meaning, the purpose, the outcome—that I began writing some very sour chapters for my own life story. I was no longer the child imagining walking on the moon when I was playing in my toy room, but rather walking into heaven to escape this world all together. I was fed up with watching people deteriorate in injustice, illness, or walking through the motions of hating their job every day. During all this assessing, I was experiencing some major life changes due to injury, depression, an eating disorder, extreme anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. These were now “big kid” problems that some blessed adults will never have to face at all, let alone me being sixteen and having a collection. I became curious in some of the scariest ways, wondering what spiritual life was out there making all of this happen for me. I wanted to understand, to find out. I pictured myself getting into near death experiences, daydreaming about vacating from this world and coming back to tell of something great. What was the purpose? Why me?
Becoming overly in tune with my own conscience and curiosity, I began to see other people in the light of their soul, not the spotlight of a situation. I saw them as dying right with me. I noticed that who they are—their behavior, outlook, hobbies, and support systems created the way in which they look at life and walk with situations. People were struggling and wondering, but they all didn’t see themselves as dying. It was all very intriguing to me. I had to change my perspective. I told people to stay positive, I was that therapeutic friend of so many, I helped people solve, but thinking I was so much deeper in emotion, I never listened to my own advice. This mentality I was dealing with was a result of my current situation, it’s not who I was.
After encounters with mental hospitals, I told myself that I was still curious, but curious about what would fulfill this life and not what was after. I traded the darkness of death for the light of life. For me, God was that light after feeling compelled to walk into The Experience Church of Bridgeport, Ohio. Here I learned some very important lessons: 1. When the enemy can confuse you, he can control you. 2. When you give up, there is no next time. 3. The blessing is in the battle. Religious or not these lessons can be understood and carried out. Struggle makes people believe that happiness, recovery, and a better life is impossible. Eventually we want to give up. But just keep going because whatever is weighing us down only leaves us to rise if we keep pushing forward.
Lastly, not everything will be perfectly smooth once a positive realization and lesson has surfaced. I found that the reason for these low moments was to find my purpose. I became connected with my calling, my gift of empathy and creative healing. I know my purpose is to help, to inspire, and to motivate. I feel that fire and excitement in my heart whenever I encounter people in such a way. I want to help other people write their life story in an enlightened manner because I see them for the light of their soul not the spotlight of their situation. I still have a tough time being patient with the end game of the small life goals and steps, but I’m thankful I’m not longer racing to my death. I believe the maturity in me and adult-like will hasn’t left, but I’m learning to create my own adult life, not society’s. It’s all about balance. Be intrigued by what will fulfill your life in the moment while knowing there will be trials and expectations along the way. Kids live for the moment and the fun of the future. Dr. McGee, President of West Virginia University always says, “Work smart, play smart.” Don’t let curiosity kill the kid in you. There is so much to live for. It takes time to find what makes you feel so alive. Once you find it, grasp the passion, and never let it die.